I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
