I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
