Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
