I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize