i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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