coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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