I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
