I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
