I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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