omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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