Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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