They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
