I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
