Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
