I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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