he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
