i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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