Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
