I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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