I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
