No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
