What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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