Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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