In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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