i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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