M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize