I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
