i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
