I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize