1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize