I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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