Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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