I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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