Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
