i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
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