Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
