try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
