Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
