I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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