So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
