Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
