Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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