Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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