I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
