You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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