Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Randomize
