My liver just broke up with me...
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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