The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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