she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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