We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
