New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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