Umm I'm too high to move.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
