The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
