I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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