i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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