Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
