my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
