Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
