She's JV to your varsity
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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